The Abyss: My Battle Writing About Trauma

Little did I fully comprehend when I started writing my book, Stories from the Front: Pain, Betrayal, and Resilience on the MST Battlefield, that I would get a master class in trauma. That I would fall into what I call the abyss over and over again, a constant struggle that continues to this day.

Sure, I made the decision to write about my own trauma and that experienced by others. The book has 14 stories of military sexual trauma (MST), which comprises sexual harassment and sexual assault. Also included are several combat experiences, as well as incidents of racial/ethnic, gender, and sexual orientation disparities while serving. But I wasn’t fully prepared for the onslaught of how hard it would be to hear and write about traumatic experiences from so many.

To say it triggered my own combat-related PTSD and MST, bringing such strong emotions front and center would be a huge understatement. But I forged ahead writing and publishing my book in just under year. I was determined to capture these stories so I could educate the public about MST and personalize our experiences for all to come to know.  

I was laser focused on a mission to educate and drive change within the Defense Department on how sexual assault/sexual harassment survivors are treated and how justice continues to be elusive for many. Those of us who have been impacted by these types of traumas have suffered not only the indignities of assault and harassment, but also their aftermath, which can have lifelong implications.

From the Afterword in Stories from the Front, here are a few of my attempts to describe my first experiences with the abyss:

Jumping into what I call the abyss, I felt shame, guilt, and rage. I began a truth-seeking journey of reflection, battling monsters, and finally acknowledging what had happened to me. I could no longer run from my pain; it was at the front door screaming to be let in and addressed.

It took a while for me to control my anger, to accept what had happened and begin therapy to process all my emotions, memories, and pain. The abyss called out to me again and again. I had to fight my way out. I knew I couldn’t remain where all that pain existed. If I did, I would be lost forever.

I continue the good and eternal fight to stay out of the abyss, to live an authentic, full life. It remains a daily struggle. To help break the hold the abyss has on me, I wrote a very personal poem about my experience. That poem is at the end of this article and is aptly titled “The Abyss.”

Writing continues to emerge as my force multiplier, to help me heal from trauma. Allow me to share just a few reflections that may possibly help others. If I didn’t have a support network, a competent and empathetic therapist, and the ability to lessen my burden through writing poetry, I’m not sure I would have been able to complete the book or even retain most of my sanity.

• My support network consists of fellow MST survivors, combat veterans, veterans’ organizations, veteran artists, friends, and family members. I don’t share everything with everyone, but am finally able to show my vulnerability with others. The military commander in me now knows that doing so actually takes much more courage than serving in combat and propels me forward toward healing. Stories from the Front includes an appendix on resources and organizations that could prove useful in your own healing journey.

• My therapist was a very accomplished EMDR therapist with the VA. I chose to utilize eye movement desensitization and reprocessing, a form of psychotherapy. Everyone must find the right therapy and therapist for them. There is a chapter in Stories from the Front on seeking options for PTSD that some might find beneficial.

• My writing significantly helped my healing journey. Even though it was at times extremely painful, it helped me to lessen the burden of all the years of carrying trauma. I found writing poetry especially powerful, as I was able to express myself and have the poems immediately available to serve as my battle buddies in my battle with the abyss.

One of my most powerful lessons has been simply the realization that I am not alone. There are many who have experienced PTSD and MST. Finally being able to speak and write about my trauma has gone a long way in moving me forward in life, taking the fractured pieces of my head, heart, and soul, putting them back together post trauma slowly but steadily with every word spoken and written.  

To order a signed copy of Stories from the Front, and to learn more about my poems and publications, and media please go to https://www.lisacarringtonfirmin.com/.

I am currently working on a book of poems tentatively titled, A Latina Warrior’s Journey: Traversing the Tortuous Path to Healing from Military Sexual Trauma, Combat, and Life, expected to be published by Blue Ear Books in 2023.

The Abyss

By Colonel Lisa Carrington Firmin, USAF Ret.
July 2022

It is not a safe haven

More like an open chest wound that is bleeding out

You feel your very existence draining away

Facing demons of PTSD and MST

Thrust me into The Abyss, the black hole of life

The fragile space between fully living and just existing

I cannot allow myself to stay here

In the dark recesses of my splintered mind

Where pain, fear, guilt, and shame lie

Intense memories of trauma drag me down even deeper

I cannot escape that seductive siren call from the pitch-black void

It whispers just how much easier it would be to succumb

Trying to reconcile the past, the present with my future

Without losing myself permanently in The Abyss

Must fight to break the hold it has on me

The war continues in my head, heart, and soul

Some battles I win, others The Abyss screams it is the victor

Time will tell the final outcome

I will never give up fighting for my sanity

To exist, to live fully in the light, to be whole. For I know I am worthy

The Abyss will not take me down, it cannot win.

Stories from the Front: Pain, Betrayal, and Resilience on the MST Battlefield by Lisa Carrington Firmin was published by Blue Ear Books on April 22, 2022, the second anniversary of the murder of the soldier Vanessa Guillén. Order your copy for US$18.95 plus $3.95 US shipping via this link.